Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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