he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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