**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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