4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
