can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
