Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
