Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I need to stop coming to work sober
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
