It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
