Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
