If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
