I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
