Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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