We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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