I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
