everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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