ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Fuck appropriateness.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
