as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
