The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
