Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
