Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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