Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
