Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
