Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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