I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize