All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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