did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
