I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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