if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
