Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It's never too late to be topless.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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