I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
