So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Pants are for mortals
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
