The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize