Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
