I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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