peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
