i wish starbucks made bloody marys
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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