yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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