i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
