I'm so fucking centered right now
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
