The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i can't believe i had my finger in that
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
