dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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