I heard we made out
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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