Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
