The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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