you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
