she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
