Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
