Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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