her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
