i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
