Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
