I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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