I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
