Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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