I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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