i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
