So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize