I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
