genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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