he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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