I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
